The science behind the Dream Girl
The second installment of the MARRIAGE MART: your guide to dating and engagement—God's way.
♬ ♪♬ ♫ Here comes the brideeeeee, all cloaked in wisdommmmmmm ♪♬ ♫♪♬ ♫♪♪
Last week on Marriage Mart, we established the importance of knowing your worth, setting boundaries, and embracing the art of letting yourself be seen—but not chasing. This week, we're all about understanding the deeper laws of attraction and why independence is key to not just attracting what you want, but that idealized version of who you want, because news flash, it's not idealized. It’s a real desire placed in your heart for a real purpose. Call it the mystery of allure, call it magnetism, call it whatever you’d like—I don’t particularly care—but these laws, these rules, are what make you (REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE, MIND YOU) irresistible to what you want.
If you missed last week, catch up here.
Being a dream girl is a science, here’s the formula.
MARRIAGE MART LESSON TWO
Don’t Settle for Comfort
The relationship that seems easy and emotionally comfortable isn’t necessarily the right one. In nature, what looks like the road of least resistance can often lead to destruction. When it comes to love, don’t confuse comfort with destiny. Just because you “love” someone or have “strong feelings” for them, does not mean that they are the father of your children. It just means you’re human, tbf.Independence Is Irresistible
The key to a successful relationship isn’t just about being there for your partner—it’s about being busy, building your own life. Independent women are often more attractive to men because they have their own passions and goals. It keeps the balance of power in check and prevents resentment from either side. You should have things goin’ awn, girl.Your life is your life, his life is his life, and your lives together are your lives together. You can’t just not live your life—Christ DIED to give it to you.
Like, are you okay? Is everything good at home? Clearly not. Pray for healing and let the Holy Spirit restore the part of your heart that seems to think your life doesn’t matter or have purpose. It most certainly does, and we most certainly will feel the effects of you not living it.
Stay Busy to Avoid the Everything-Depends-on-Him Feeling
If you find yourself feeling overly dependent or frustrated about some guy’s actions, the answer isn’t to sit around waiting or to suffocate him with your attention. Instead, get involved in your own projects—join a charity, get involved in church, find a hobby that excites you. A full life leaves less room for insecurity. You don’t have to keep checking to see if he read your message or responded. None of your business. The biggest cure to this is having a roster of sorts. Even if the roster is imaginary. Ya gotta maintain the energy that you’re in demand! Booked! Busy! It’s the only way you’ll live in that reality.
Don’t Expect a Man to Change
One of the most common mistakes women make is believing they can change a man once they’re in a relationship. You can't—and trying will only lead to heartache. Accept what you see, or move on. End of story.There’s no growth arc. Are you a gardener? His mother? Move on dot com.
Make Him Earn It
Moving in together before marriage or giving away too much of yourself too early can ruin what might have been a beautiful relationship. Maintain some mystery and allow the relationship to mature. A good man will commit when he knows he’s found something worth keeping. And he won’t know your worth unless you know (and value) it. There’s no reason for you to share a living space until you’re family.Create a Sense of Hunger
The idea here isn’t to play games but to create a sense of value. Don’t throw yourself at a man or constantly be available. Be close enough for him to see what he’s missing, but distant enough for him to fear losing you. It’s about balance—arouse interest, then step back.There is no book that says you have to respond to every text and every call.
You don’t respond to the people you’ve known for years for days, why is he—a new character, mind you—getting special treatment? Being chased is part of the fun; let yourself experience it.
Keep It Light at First
When you first start seeing someone, keep the details light. He doesn’t need to know your whole life story, including all your baggage, right away. Focus on what’s important in the moment—getting to know each other in a fun and engaging way. Dating isn’t therapy, so don’t treat him like the person you see biweekly over Zoom.Boundaries Are Non-Negotiable
A man will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated.
If you set the tone early by keeping healthy boundaries—no moving in, no “wifely duties” until you’re actually a wife—he will respect you. The same man who mistreats one woman will honor another, simply because she taught him how to. Stand ten on two, girl. Don’t be afraid to lose him—nothing that’s yours can be lost.
Don’t Let Jealousy Control You
Especially when you’re dealing with high-profile or influential men, other women will always be around. Being overly jealous or insecure will only push him away. Confidence is attractive—if he truly loves you, others won’t matter. You don’t have to feel threatened by someone who has the same chromosomal makeup as you. If another woman wants him, and he’s wanting her back, leave them to want each other. You don’t need that kind of energy in your life—it becomes a magnet for more trash to be dumped at your doorstep. And while we’re talking about “influential men,” make him work to impress you.No matter what he does, how much money he has, how visible he is, or what family he’s coming from, who cares?
What matters is who he is. And your standards are incredibly high for who you let into your life anyway.
Less Is More on the Phone
Don't be the one constantly dragging out phone calls or conversations. Make him the one who wants more time with you, and always be the one to end the call first. This keeps the dynamic fresh and leaves him wanting more. Don’t make it seem like you’re doing what I’m saying. Make it seem like you just have something going on, like oh, you have to finish an assignment, or meet your friends somewhere, or someone else is calling. He’ll start feeling a little like, oh geez, I’m not the center of her world—how can I get (and keep) more of her attention? Men are hunters. Help them along, lol. Oh, and if he doesn’t seem to care, say a prayer to your Father above for the law of natural selection.
Gifts and Bills Are Not Your Job (Yet)
Don’t start paying his bills or buying him extravagant gifts. That’s his role until he’s made a real commitment. Keep your generosity in check until there’s something solid in place. Relax. Men don’t even biologically respond the same way to gifts as women do.Avoid Fantasy Relationships
Don’t get caught up in the idea of something just because it seems nice. If he hasn’t made any clear moves, it’s not real. Keep your feet on the ground, stay busy, and let him come to you if he’s genuinely interested. What exists is his actions. Nothing outside of that. He’s not thinking anything along the lines of what you’re thinking 99% of the time.Don’t Waste Time on the Wrong Men
If a man is married or otherwise “entangled,” he’s not for you. It’s a dead-end road filled with unnecessary heartache. Focus on building your own life and attracting the kind of love that’s meant for you. Leave that man aloneeeee.Also, what does it say about him? Again, you do not need that energy inviting more garbage to be dumped at the doorstep of your life.
Know When to Walk Away
If a relationship isn’t progressing, shake things up. Don’t let yourself be strung along for years—set a time limit for how long you’ll wait for commitment, and if nothing changes, move on. You deserve clarity and certainty. This is assuming you want to be married. A man can “date” you for years (years!) not commit to you, you break up, then he gets married within two months to the next girl. You know why? Aside from a slew of reasons, I guarantee one of them is that she knew what she wanted, and she didn’t accept less. Which brings me to my next point.A Woman Teaches a Man How to Treat Her
From the very first moment you meet, you set the tone for the relationship. Don’t let him overstep your boundaries, and don’t allow him to treat you casually if that’s not what you’re looking for. The right man will respect your limits and rise to meet your standards. Men are creatures of least effort. They’re masters of allocating, managing, and distributing their energy. The good ones aren’t careless in this respect. Make yourself expensive because you are, please. Do you know how many men are looking for wives? Good ones?? Godly ones??? A lot, lol. I refuse for you to go to the lowest bidder. Ew.
Don’t Play House Before the Vows
Don’t cook, clean, or act like a wife until you are one. It’s not about being mean—it’s about keeping things balanced. There will be plenty of time for those things after commitment. Like, you’ll be doing those things for the rest of your married life, or outsourcing them if you’re wise and you let the God of heaven bless you like He wants to.Your Life Is Still Yours
Men love a bit of mystery, if you haven’t picked up on this. You don’t need to reveal every detail about your life or share everything that happens during your day. Be open but not too open, especially in the early stages. Later on, whenever you’re somewhat secure, I do not care what you do with the man God has ordained for you to become one with. Don’t care. None of my business. But if you’re wise, you’ll carry these rules into said marriage, just saying.
The Right Kind of Independence
Men are attracted to women who are independent but still open to love. Be confident, be busy, and have a life you love—but also be gracious. Independence isn’t about being harsh or sarcastic; it’s about having your own life while still being warm and approachable.You don’t have to be the girl who’s carrying a banner that says, "I hate men, I don’t split the bill," blah blah blah. Just be who you are. Stand firm in your values and beliefs.
Don’t make him feel bad, and don’t be mean, omg—he’s someone’s son, a baby in some respects, be kind, and love him on the level of his humanity. You don’t gotta be brash with it.
Confidence Is Key
When a man knows that you’re not desperate for commitment—that you’re happy and confident in yourself—he’s more likely to take things seriously. Confidence attracts, and it keeps you grounded no matter where the relationship goes.The key here is to pretend you don’t want what you really want (commitment).
You can act like you couldn’t care less, and you’re just interested in live, laugh, loving. Where a lot of girls make the mistake here, is that they’ll aim to show this through action—like giving him access to their body, trying ever so hard to be the cool girl, or a mix of all of these things. Not necessary. If you have a roster in your mind, imaginary, real, hybrid, whatever, this will be a lot easier. Confidence is a mindset.
That's it for today, babes. This week, we've focused on the power of independence, creating a magnetic presence, and the subtle balance of attraction. I’m so serious, if you internalize these principles, you’ll have a slew of options when it comes to guys that want to marry you. Like all things, it’s a numbers game. Keep these tips in your back pocket and continue building a love life that aligns with your worth. Until next time, may you be found among the wise. Selah, skinny legend queen.
